How To Start A Great Day In Nigeria.

A yellow bed sheet with a cloud and scanty rainfall picture written ‘it’s always summer’ on it.

Important Requirements.

 

  1. An Ankara bonnet gotten from a distant client turned friend whom you should have hiked once with and who will let you clean her house for N5000 and you have to buy a bonnet for N1000 to thank her for giving you the cleaning job.
  2. A nipple piercing from Pharoah Tattoos hood in Gwarimpa for N10,000 just to impress a guy who said he likes it. (make sure he pays half of it, it is very unfeminist to let a man pay all the bills, so split bills!)
  3. MI’s Rendezvous album.
  4. A house in an estate funded by  great people with good hearts on Twitter(or it could be any house)
  5. A yellow bed sheet with a cloud and scanty rainfall picture written ‘it’s always summer’ on it.
  6. Kush from Blaqjoker(if you are in Abuja he sells the best kush and you can reach him faster on Twitter)
  7. Nakedness.
  8. A cheap purple nails made by your stylist for N1500 and recoated at home with a shining polish gotten from a cosmetic store in Mararaba.
  9. Electricity. (you need your laptop charged, so you can charge your phone since you have bought three bad head chargers in a row) 
  10. Peter Ehanaro’s How To Be A Nigerian.
  11. Three in one Nescafe coffee.
  12. Bucket and pillow(this is if you don’t have a chair, place the pillow on the bucket and it’s a seat!  This is some of the things a Boarding school should teach you)
  13.  A jotter of your cousin’s wedding in Kaduna (it could be any location, just have a jotter of your cousin’s wedding)
  14. MI’s Rendezvous album.
  15. Shea butter to fuck your arse with a dildo.

 

  • Make sure you wake up to your phone on flight mode, a cold shiver and coughing to the fast air coming from the fan your friend bought for you, Nigeria is hot and you cannot afford to not have electricity or a fan. 
  • Run your hands through your nipple piercing and access it for anything new or different. Glide your hands through your vagina for anything new since you fucked a new girl yesterday and rubbing two vaginas can spread more sexually transmitted disease.
  • Walk into your kitchen that has only three sachets of cornflakes, an empty tin of milk, half-filled milo, a full jar of sugar, three Nescafe sachet coffee( make sure you have a regular dick and business partner that comes  in for sleepovers and wants to take coffee in the morning)
  • Take your yesterday leftover rolled joint to the toilet. (collect fresh joints and a rolling paper for when you will need to stay too long in the toilet and want to roll more kush)  don’t forget to pick your sachet water, phone(you will need to tweet) and lighter, always use a filter in your rolling, put on your data and let the messages flood in as you light your joint and gulp water right after.
  • Honestly,  Elnathan John’s Becoming A Nigerian is an exact replica of Peter Ehanoro’s How To Be A Nigerian. Read both books with a joint in hand and you will see. 
  • Answer your dm on Twitter and go through notifications.
  • Write your day’s plan in your cousin’s wedding jotter.
  • Pay your house service charge bill for N20,000 and go, flat broke.
  • Make sure your landlady has a handy boy named Chidera that you will tell to convey your bill payment to his madam. (Avoiding your landlady even if you are not owing is a survival technique)
  • Roll a new joint and smoke it.
  • Make coffee with a half sachet of Nescafe(make sure the electric kettle you are using is bought on Jumia from the man who consistently fucks you, a piece of great kitchen equipment if you ask me)
  • Let the coffee get cold.
  • Get frustrated and drink the cold coffee.
  • Replay MI’s Rendezvous album.
  • Smoke a joint to track three of MI’s Rendezvous Album. (Jungle ft. Tomi Thomas and Santi)
  • Slow dance to track twelve of MI’s Rendezvous album(sunrise ft. Trigga Madtonic)
  • NEPA took the light and left the heat.
  • Fuck your arse with a dildo in the heat.
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